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So due to that thing up there in my head, like a dog with a bone. Lead me to research and do exactly what it wanted…. chew!
The library became my second home away from the keyboard and I remained to keep this existence hidden from everyone I knew, I didn’t know why, just as I don’t understand this brave escape now from the closet but here I am.
Hours were spent reading, watching documentaries at every opportunity; an information junkie I became feasting to quickly it never even seemed to have touched the sides. What was I searching for? Was that in itself the point, by searching kept ME busy, gave me meaning perhaps. A heavy reader of sociology, psychology, conspiracy and spirituality somewhat even religious fodder was now my main consumption in addition to general science and history, study of Dreams and body language trends in civilisations and geography. I felt generally compiled I had something stronger than others; I had mentally separated myself from everyone else. The underlying factor was my continuous denial from the common herd I called society began giving me confidence. I was never a sheep and that gave me purpose, I would walk tall with my backbone strong, head high amongst people with an almost lavish and certainly childish secret. A secret that I was different, not necessarily smarter which in turn did not make me by any means judgemental or negative to others, not to compel myself upon others as a self confused Mr Know it all but after years of not having confidence and it felt exceptionally pleasant. Handling of my emotions or communicating in general with others I felt successful, but certainly not atoll arrogant just more self-aware. My point being, I both analysed human nature from feedback of traits from influencing personalities within social circles interacting with one another in as much my own life than that of film, history or books, and even for a time improving myself by almost dissecting and taking these traits on from stronger characters close to me and generally observing who was positively more effective for instance; liked, stronger, confident etc and why. So blind I had become on leaving the house in the morning I would plug in and play my part, like scenes of a fly on the wall documentary – analysing body language, confidence, courage, enthusiasm etc. I was inadvertently tweaking my own personality for the better, as if maybe my role would soon be credited somehow or being analysed. Or to leave or achieve something to separate myself as the lead actor of a movie for instance, to win the girl, shoot the bad guy, live happy ever after. As to whatever it was I didn’t know. But instead like a dream it became reality, so absorbed with no real assistance ever taking place to support my theory it became or I became sidetracked and forgotten, unfinished. Now awoken, I had dismissed this pathetic outlook for within time and only now that it has come to a close, I not only had these apparent fictitious self image that I now no longer need, like barriers perhaps they had crumbled and fallen. I had searched for the person I wanted to be and so abundantly in place now was strength in myself so assured but no longer with the element of manufacturing. I feel relieved and at peace with one’s self. A positive feeling its resembled more similar to that of a butterfly releasing from his own made cluster. I have finally been rewarded with the closing credits, now I know what the search found…. It found me!
Self-contentment, spiritual enlightenment, Label, as one will. It feels bliss. The digesting of those questions, thanks - believe it or not to the contented dog with the bone up there that liked to chew. That alien intervention to my being has helped me. I like to believe improved; I think completely differently and broadly, defiantly more broadly, open and receptive and certainly not selfishly. My tolerance, control and patience level has for one shot through the roof; my life is more successful in emotional relations, my career, and my circle of friends. I hold an assurance along with an admired confidence. In alls those times with my head in books, the dog came through and finished that bone, didn’t leave it buried in the back of my mind’s garden. So a conclusion should be drawn or maybe not, for the point was my point, I found it and maybe I’m a minority that just naturally felt a desire to dig…
So I did.
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